Tips for Handling Controlling In-Laws

By William Lee

Maintaining a positive relationship with in-laws is a crucial part of establishing a happy home.  In-laws are integral parts of the family unit.  Those couples that can establish comfortable relationships with all parents will reap substantial benefits.  When in-laws begin encroaching with controlling behaviors there are approaches that can help.

Nip It

Waiting and hoping that behaviors will change will only make the problem worse. Have non-confrontational discussions as soon as behaviors start.  These discussions may have to start right after the honeymoon.  It is essential to have a united front.  Controlling parents will often try to get their child alone to elicit a different answer than what was discussed.  Do not respond with anger, respond with continuity.

Reassurance

Let the in-laws know that they are respected for their knowledge and experience. The couple can acknowledge that they know the parents or in-laws want to help and thank them for caring enough to do so.  Be clear and concise in letting them know that it is the couple’s intention to maintain a close relationship with both sets of parents.  This reassurance can eliminate anxiety and lessen controlling behaviors.

Avoid Blame

Try to avoid placing blame.  Playing the blame game inflames the situation. Be clear and let them know that sometimes their advice will not be used, yet sometimes it will.  This discussion may need to be held several times.  Stay on topic, respectful, and monitor the tone of your voice. Do not argue.  Remind them that they are respected and loved and that they need to respect the couple and their right to control their own lives.

Patience and early intervention are essential to success.  Controlling behaviors are often the result of the child leaving home and becoming independent.  Parents and in-laws feel as if they can help the couple avoid the pitfalls of life.  Frequent, open communication and patience will yield positive results.